in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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