Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
