Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
