i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
