If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
