3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
