Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
