i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I fill condoms, not promises.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
