So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
