Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
