i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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