So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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