apparently the secret to your success is patron
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
