I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize