The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
