If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
