U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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