oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Text me some of your sweat
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize