Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
