So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
