You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Can you bring me the toilet please
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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