i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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