There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
