he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
