u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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