i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
