i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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