Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
