good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my vag is so smooth its legendary
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
