I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
