I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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