I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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