The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
