tonight lets celebrate not being married
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
