So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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