I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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