not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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