does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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