Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
