Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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