You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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