i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
