if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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