Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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