My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
