When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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