we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize