god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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