my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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