So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
