My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
