Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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