I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
this hospital has no fireball
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize