So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
