I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
