If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
