No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
