everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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