Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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