you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize