he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
